I’m writing this now instead of continuing my 12-page book review requirement because I feel lost.

 

Before, I see clearly a path even if I was a bit struggling for it…. I really don’t have the words to describe the situation I am right now. I have lots to tell you, guys, about, so many draft posts that I have to complete and publish (they were all supposed to be requirements so yeah).

 

First, let me brief you with what happened recently in my [acad]life.

 

I was asked by my Speech prof to come see her. I was one of the best public speakers in the class but I know that my exams were just shit and I frequently submit late requirements (I have this hate thing with take home schoolworks because I tend to forget them, I prefer doing them in class). I was informed that my standing was a conditional because of the last two late requirements but because of reasons, which included me being a graduating student and all, my professor graded those late requirements. My grade then was supposed to be a notch higher than the passing but because it was passed late, she gave me a final grade of passing. It was understandable and I was thankful nonetheless. True, my grades did not reflect the participation I gave in class but I guess that’s what graduating makes you — accept whatever you’ve been given so long as you finish on time.

Next I got my IT 1 lecture standing, I was a bit nervous about it honestly. I didn’t perform well which was a bit surprising but predictable because I kept skipping lecture classes. I was informed that I needed a 35 from the lab component for me to get a passing grade. Disappointing, I know, but I was just comforted by the hope that I WILL graduate this semester. I had nothing to do then but wait for my lab standing (I actually had something to do related to Physics and History but we’ll move on to those later). I got my standing and I was 34.41. Great. I was 0.2 short to get a passing grade. As soon as I saw the grade I e-mailed my laboratory prof. He told me that the grades were to be rounded up so, technically, I passed the course. Thank whatever deity there is for that!

After the stress I put myself into for cramming a semester’s worth of lessons, I had nothing to do again but wait for my Physics standing. I needed a score within 85%-86 in the finals for me to get a passing lecture standing according to my friend. How can I conjure such a miracle?! But I was never one to not believe in myself… until this semester. The lecture exams we had in IT 1 fucked me so hard I lost faith in my ability to wing exams. I don’t what other superstitions should I hold onto to rationalize what happened to my semester. Anyway, I studied from morning to night, slept for three hours, studied again and hurried for the exam. Based on the numbers I was able to answer, my expected score was around 68%-85%, less than what I need but maybe enough to get me a conditional. I held my breathe for days, I tried not to think about it as much as possible until we received the final lecture standing yesterday. I got 25% of the final exam correct. Needless to say, I didn’t get a passing grade. I also didn’t get a conditional. Dudes and dudettes, I no longer have the capacity to grasp the reality that I am here. I tried to ask for extra work and removals, anything, just to give me a chance to get a 3.00. My professor said that my grade was too low. I don’t know what else I could do.

 

You guys might not understand my situation fully and I understand because, until now, I haven’t released that “origin story” I had written months before. Basically, I have plans to go straight to medicine after this semester. My prospect school requires that their applicants graduate by the end of the current school year because of the transition summer program. My current school year ends in June. Graduation is in June. I know that my failing the subject, I just made my grade average less competitive than it already is and I still have to compete with a different set of applicants the next year. I only see myself in this medical school and nowhere else. I don’t know if I’m making it hard for myself though.

 

I did a bargain to whatever universe/fate/entity there is that if I don’t graduate this semester, I won’t get accepted to that school. I’ve been waitlisted since early March and haven’t received rejection even though the two other waitlisted people I know have. I held onto the belief that my bargain was in effect (this was not the first I did this). The longer it took for me to hear from them, the more stronger I felt that it seem that I was not going to graduate this semester.

 

What numbs me the most is how am I going to tell my mother? I’ve been putting off buying a Sablay (already bought one though), getting a graduation picture, clearing out of my dormitory because I didn’t want to jinx anything and here it is. I won’t be able to join our Korea trip as well if I have to retake this subject this midyear term.

 

I plan to talk to my professors this when I return on campus but I have a 12-page paper to present and I don’t know which to prioritize.

 

I don’t know what I should blame for, perhaps, the lowest grade I’ve ever seen given to me. Should I blame the org event or should I blame my history elective because they both caused me to skip Physics. Should I blame my mom because she insisted on distributing my units for the last year? Should I blame that prof for not admitting me the previous semester because I was not graduating the previous semester, hence, I couldn’t avail of the graduating prioritzation even though there was no one else graduating that sem? Should I blame myself for not being able to manage my time properly? I blame everything and I regret nothing but my idleness.

 

I might not be wearing the Sablay this semester because I have this other sablay to handle.

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